There are days when I wake up in a cloud and I will carry it with me all day. I can sometimes feel little rays of sun but the cloud is always there…I can feel it swirling around both my feet and head at same time. Like being stuck in the mud and unable to breath but I push, push because I have to “function” all while this SADNESS is ALWAYS behind my eyes. Not just in my head and my heart but literally just behind my eyes. Summoned instantly.

And I tighten my emotional belt, utilizing energies to keep myself in control and not let the tears out. Denying one’s feelings while expressing falsehoods takes a lot of energy…

But at work, I cannot allow them to see the “real me”; the destroyed me that just wants this deep, ragged, raging pain to engulf me and just be done.

Because I have the other side…I still see sunshine- in you, in my kids, family, and friends and I here Her whisper she loves me. And so I look. I open my eyes wider. And clear away the tears. For awhile anyway.

See, that is the “happy ending” I am expected to look for and strive towards – the “feel good memes” are everywhere. And it’s bullshit. Yes, I believe in the power of positive thinking but as a contestant in a competition against my grief? I don’t think there needs to be one or the other– I think there needs to be both.

Looking for resolutions, can grief and a “happy ending” co-exist or does “happy ending’s trump grief while coating the sadness with sticky sweet song lyrics and a fadeout?

Published by Kate B

I am trying to integrate my loss with life...

One thought on “Expectations

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