Tied

Today is about my daughter
“Untitled” by The Cure
Bluetooth connection to my child
Our connection of music

I have to hurt to write

Robert Smith is reigning King of my Pain with Tim Burton a close second. Stefanie was Emo in the 00’s then maybe Goth (we were estranged; my heart just breaks over that lost time) and after becoming a cosmetologist, she got into the Drag Queen Scene. We shared a love of music, tattoos, and cats and we were able to let down walls when we spoke of kitties, ink or tunes. The last band we spoke of was The Cure and I was planning to surprise her with tickets to their next show – no strings – just for her and Felix to enjoy. But Death took away that opportunity and now I just have Robert Smith via a bluetooth connection, speaking of My Pain, of death. Untitled grief punctuated by “Friday I’m in Love” which is the song Stefanie posted on her instagram along with her engagement announcement. It’s still posted there today.

I feel like I have a volcano in my head and a tornado in my chest right now.

My first tattoo was home-done needle/thread/india ink deal and led to me leaving home. I took Stef to get her first tattoo when she was 18 – “AVO” – latin Amor Vincit Omnia. “Love Conquers All.” That saying still makes me angry – if love conquered all, my child would still be alive! I would be gone in her place! I failed Stefanie in so many ways but I request reserving judgment as I was still dealing with the trauma of my own youth when I became her mother. The depth of my love for her may never be known by her.

I am meandering now and feel lost…

I got “AVO” in same script as hers tattooed on my inner left wrist. Love doesn’t conquer all but we still have this to share.

04/03/21