Stay

The Great Sadness is lingering this morning and I am reluctant to write.

Open the box. Glimpse inside
And Fall
Down
Into the darkness.

It is warm
Comforting
I am not alone
I feel her here
So I Stay.

I cannot quantify the depth of pain to lose a child. Yes, she was an adult. Yes, she died 18 months ago. Yes, she had faults. But she came from me.

I am trying – to – what? Be “normal?” What is that?

I have a gaping hole inside my heart that FEELS like a physical void. Is that close? Can another grieving mother please validate my pain…I feel so alone.

Do I present as negative in all my incarnations? I think I’m doing well at work. Very few people know about Stefanie and I try to think before I speak. I focus on less being more and really listening to what people are saying. I haven’t even been showing my true face at home. I put away her Memorial Photo and try to only allow the grief out when no one is looking. See? I am okay.

I get it…the sadness in me is difficult to see but if it’s hard for you, try to imagine being inside of me…

There is a connection with Stefanie in death that I never had in life – music being pivotal. The Smiths “How Soon is Now” is playing. Morrissey takes me back to my own teen angst and love of music and transports me to that part of my daughter that we shared . A safe topic that she enjoyed discussing.

My chest hurts and I wonder if the make up mask I’m wearing has a “river of tears” staining my cheeks? Where is my brave face?

Stefanie loved dancing. I can remember when she was a toddler and I was very pregnant with her sister. Stef was eating Vienna Sausages and dancing around to early music-playing MTV; next thing I know, she stops, looks at me, and vomits all over my chest. As I’m wearing one of those 1980’s jumper-style denim dress. That has to be removed over my head. Covered in chewed up sausages. Insert small laugh here please – my heart feels some joy in that memory.

And that small joy is why I don’t fear the Great Sadness. How can I explain? I can’t. There are no words.

Published by Kate B

I am trying to integrate my loss with life...

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