I haven’t been able to remove her urn from the box yet
I feel like I’m going to vomit
At just the thought of opening the urn and seeing “my child”

I can still recall how much my head hurt
from crying
from scrolling online
trying to find an urn to carry my daughter’s ashes
from screen-shotting all our messages and all her photos
Her Online Presence.

I feel I must capture it all before it disappears and I have even less of her.

Her birthday is coming up
May 6 – the second since she died
She was (is?) my oldest…

The pain associated with her birthday is immeasurable
I chastise myself…

I “should” feel joy that she was in my life and that she touched so many people but instead I feel sad that she is gone and mournful over the future we will never have.

“As long as they are alive, there is hope”…for change, for reconciliation, for relationship healing.

A sentiment I have long used and can no longer apply to her

I am not the same…


Published by Kate B

I am trying to integrate my loss with life...

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