Your Birthday

“Happy Birthday Sweet Girl”

No. Nope. That feels wrong. I am not ready to “celebrate” your birth…to do so acknowledges the reality of your death. (Fkn slaps me in the face with That Reality is what it does!)

So I’m sitting in it.  Promising no recriminations (to myself) for bathing in my loss today.

Tomorrow may be different but hey! Focus on today.

Focus on you – my first child – oh god I made so many mistakes. You said you forgave me and loved me but I so want to apologize again – this time face to face – so I can see the truth in your eyes and know, KNOW, that you do forgive and love me.

I feel need to HEAR your words…do I dare watch a video or will that be the end of me for the day?

With each joy comes The Pain – so sharp! So deep! These words do not do The Pain justice…I cannot impress the depth, the breadth, the density, the airlessness of This Pain. 20 months after your death and I still feel so jagged, so raw, and I cannot breathe.

I am suffocating in my grief and today I will struggle for air as I move closer to your birthtime (10:52 pm).

Published by Kate B

I am trying to integrate my loss with life...

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