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Silence

I close down
shut off. turn off. 
words turn inward.

Two words are two too many
of course, not enough.

Sometimes
written or spoken
the words
just don't
say what i need
You need
and I don't know...

I am none of these things.
I am all of these things.
To convey 
all I feel
chopped up
pieces
of feelings
thoughts
     Disconcerted
and lost.
Just unable. 
Don't talk.    07/18/2020

4 a.m.
In the quiet morning
my aching heart seeks peace
cool damp earth seeks to soothe
pain crackling - bright and sharp - agony in my fingertips
that long to brush her hair away
so
I can see her beautiful gray eyes
Her laughter, deep and chuckling
Her drama - her love - her life!

My heart hurts.
ACHES
As I try not to "focus" on my loss 
and
my heart just Misses Her So Much

I accept sitting in sadness
these early morning hours
my alone time with Stef
My alone time with the Reality
This "truth" I still rail against
 -- It Cannot Be!

I can't wake up.
I am already and always awake.
                                07/07/20

Loss

Too fair the thoughts of forever
When given just today.
Gone. Empty.
The day from night. The light does not stop the pain - only shines a brighter flash on raw flesh & torn open heart.
To "lose" a child implies they will be found. She is only found in my memories. My heart. My Child...born from me, my flesh! My blood. My heart. My Heart! 
I cannot bear this grief. This longing. The desire. If only I could will her back. 
She can't be gone.
She is Gone.  05/19/2020

Shades of Grief

Grief
Doesn't have to be all tears
Of stark bereavement.
Grief, in sorrow, can walk aside - beside - along,
Touching my hand 
A gentle break in my thoughts.
Just always though.
Grief is just Always.  07/04/2020

Letters to my girl

Letters build words build expressions of Grief, of Love, of Unending Need. Words pour forth from where I would spill my own blood to bring my child back; expressions that frighten me rise up in my chest. I feel so lost and I cannot breathe.  Alone. In Despair.

There cannot be any greater pain than that of a Mother's Grief. My child heard my heartbeat before I heard hers. We shared breath and blood. How can she be gone? 
That Alones-ness cannot be conveyed or relayed. I cannot give structure to THAT Alone-ness - The Pain! Aching then sharp & focused - My Heart! 
Far worse than the pain of her birth has been pain of her death and I expect no blunting or cushion from the passage of time. Do Not tell me that in that moment, THAT Moment I FULLY REALIZE my daughter is dead, That pain will EVER be softened because No, no it can not ... Will not.   07/09/2020 

Dimensions of nothing
left alone
to betray
the trust of time.
It's all gone
    Empty
       Lost
Painful joy? Chaotic peace?
A chasm of loss.  
     Deep
Welling up
and
     Endless.   05/19/2020