Remove

I haven’t been able to remove her urn from the box yetI feel like I’m going to vomitAt just the thought of opening the urn and seeing “my child” I can still recall how much my head hurtfrom cryingfrom scrolling onlinetrying to find an urn to carry my daughter’s ashesfrom screen-shotting all our messages andContinue reading “Remove”

The Middle Ground

Gratitudeand platitudes Tell me to be strongTo carry on“Time will heal” meTime has abandoned me. The pain hidesDeep and quiet Covered in flour (a bread quest this knowledge has become)… WipedLeft behind on the apronDisused. Discarded. I feel such turmoilInsideNot just emotionsBut my guts are roilingAnd the fearIs so, so strong“I cannot lose you too,”Continue reading “The Middle Ground”

Words

Recover UncoverDiscover Cover my eyes and count to tenThe reality is the same. No matter how I spin this aftermath. My child is goneThe Disconnect remainsMy head and my heart refuse to speakAnd painful longing fills the void. As I sitQuestioning my own realityDid she even exist? How can she be gone? Why? I feelContinue reading “Words”

Stay

The Great Sadness is lingering this morning and I am reluctant to write. Open the box. Glimpse insideAnd FallDownInto the darkness. It is warm Comforting I am not alone I feel her hereSo I Stay. I cannot quantify the depth of pain to lose a child. Yes, she was an adult. Yes, she died 18Continue reading “Stay”

Tied

Today is about my daughter“Untitled” by The CureBluetooth connection to my childOur connection of music I have to hurt to write Robert Smith is reigning King of my Pain with Tim Burton a close second. Stefanie was Emo in the 00’s then maybe Goth (we were estranged; my heart just breaks over that lost time)Continue reading “Tied”

There but for the grace

There but for the grace of god She was sitting, back against the wall.Under the bridge.A solitary figure between the tents.Staring straight ahead.Motionless. A different decision 37 years ago, and she would be me. My heart is pounding as I write thisIt’s not a time I speak ofBut living on the streets is part ofContinue reading “There but for the grace”

Burn

The dichotomy between the Great Sadness and the Daily Joys causes me anxiety and a feeling of self-judgment perceived as external criticism. Are people really judging me and my grief or am I just perceiving their reactions as such? Am I too sensitive? Does this disconnect arise from the inability of my brain and myContinue reading “Burn”