Your Birthday

“Happy Birthday Sweet Girl” No. Nope. That feels wrong. I am not ready to “celebrate” your birth…to do so acknowledges the reality of your death. (Fkn slaps me in the face with That Reality is what it does!) So I’m sitting in it.  Promising no recriminations (to myself) for bathing in my loss today. TomorrowContinue reading “Your Birthday”

“Glancing”

Looking over the edge of the Grief Abyss, I am suffocating under a curtain of emotions. I lose focus and slide into the fray. My breathing and heart rate increase and I start to shake as the feelings wash over me. Pulling me into and under, surrounded by a swirling darkness, I let go. IContinue reading ““Glancing””

Times II

In the quiet hoursI tried to look at your photosbut not today. I feel panicked. Raw. I get caught up in imagining your last momentsWhat did you know? Did you feel like you couldn’t breathe? (because you couldn’t) So you went outside (did you struggle for breath? Or did you just “fall asleep and die?”)Continue reading “Times II”

Pictures

So Tiny. Looking at your baby pics. Haven’t looked at this photo album since I made it. I made 4 in the months following your death. I baked – breads, cakes, cookies – but none of it had any taste. A grayness washed over my life when you died. A dulling of my senses whileContinue reading “Pictures”

Loss

LossToo fair the thoughts of foreverWhen given just today.Gone. Empty.The day from night. The light does not stop the pain – only shines a brighter flash on raw flesh & torn open heart.To “lose” a child implies they will be found. She is only found in my memories. My heart. My Child…born from me, myContinue reading “Loss”

Never

“Later doesn’t always come” those words struck me todayDrivingHome from workSitting in LA trafficUnder a graying sky. Would you be? Could you be? Alive in another place? Will I see you later? Because our “later” here will never comeand I grieve that. Hard. There’s no tomorrow for us No “I’ll talk to you later” NoContinue reading “Never”

0230

Looking for significanceI keep waking at 0230…the darkness too darkNot close enough to dawn but I am restless. I make my tea. Sit in my chair. Feel. Think. Write. My chest hurtsa deep pain in my heartsqueezing Did she know she was dying? What were her last thoughts? Did she feel alone? I cannot doContinue reading “0230”

Numbers

A sense of grace today I see your face Hear your laugh My heart aches. Forgiven. I am! So why don’t I feel the peace of the forgiven? Some rest for a weary mother – a mother’s heart wrenched from the womb – my passion has been burned up with my child. And I feelContinue reading “Numbers”

Remove

I haven’t been able to remove her urn from the box yetI feel like I’m going to vomitAt just the thought of opening the urn and seeing “my child” I can still recall how much my head hurtfrom cryingfrom scrolling onlinetrying to find an urn to carry my daughter’s ashesfrom screen-shotting all our messages andContinue reading “Remove”

The Middle Ground

Gratitudeand platitudes Tell me to be strongTo carry on“Time will heal” meTime has abandoned me. The pain hidesDeep and quiet Covered in flour (a bread quest this knowledge has become)… WipedLeft behind on the apronDisused. Discarded. I feel such turmoilInsideNot just emotionsBut my guts are roilingAnd the fearIs so, so strong“I cannot lose you too,”Continue reading “The Middle Ground”